wednesday seems too far away.

Valentines Day.

Every year, I see "Valentines Day is sooooo overrated/lame/stupid/unfair/etc." Usually it's from single people, which I guess is understandable. But sometimes I see couples saying it, too. Obviously V-Day is a Hallmark holiday, but I like to think of it as a reminder to just add some romance to your relationship. It's a day where it's not all about you, but all about your relationship. I don't see a reason to run out and buy chocolate, flowers, and gifts for my significant other, but I don't see anything wrong with celebrating a fake holiday so you can have a great night. Personally, we had a great V-Day. I cooked Drew his favorite dinner and we watched a cheesy romance movie and gave eachother back massages. We didn't rush out to the coolest restaurant and all the usual things... I just hate when people are so pessimistic about the cheesiest holiday ever. :)

Remembering.

What's the scariest moment in your entire life? The time you thought, "there is no way I'm going to live." Your worst nightmare?
I must have blocked mine out, but it all came back to me last night. This is totally embarrassing, but I am terrified to be home alone at night. I've always wondered why. But, I finally remember.

When I was about 14, I had to babysit for someone on the corner of Dort Hwy. and Coldwater Road. (Pretty rough area...) Well, it was pretty late (around 2 a.m.) when I noticed a drunk guy walking around in the driveway. He was screaming and swearing. I was praying he wouldn't knock on the door. He did alot more than just knock on the door... He came into the house. (I know I locked the doors... he must have broken in..) Luckily, the baby was asleep and I had the lights off in the room I was in. While he was in the kitchen right next to me, swearing and going through the cupboards, I was curled up on the couch hyperventilating, crying, and silently praying that he would leave. A 14 year old girl is no match to a beligerant drunk man. He sat in the kitchen for a good hour. That was the longest hour of my life. I honestly thought he'd find me and rape and/or kill me. And remembering it now, it is so clear to me. I feel as if I were still curled up on that couch, scared to death. There's no doubt what he would have done if he found me. I don't think I ever told my mom until today. It was pure fear.
Now, I have no doubt that that incedent has ruined my independence. I am petrified of being alone. He ruined it for me.

Seriously, is that not messed up?

:)

why do i love the golden girls so much?

my favorite lyric.

"keep the wind at your back and the sun on your face."
- does he love you? by Rilo Kiley

basically, i'm not going to stress myself out over the negative things in my life. i have plenty of positive things to be happy about... and even more to look forward to. why waste time thinking about the past and being angry about things? things change. some for the better and some for the worse... i understand that. things happen that are out of my control, and i understand that, now.

so, i've learned that you have to just keep going on with your life, with or without certain people.

VENTING.

alright. i'm completely vulnerable, at this point. and i'll probably regret posting this, but who gives a crap?

i'm so ready to leave this town. i've said that before, but i've never felt so repulsed by everyone around me. i feel disconnected from my friends and even some of my family. i feel i've fallen so out of the loop that there is no way that i'll ever get back in.

my best friend since i was a toddler has become just a mere acquaintance within the past couple of months. its devastating to say. i hate even saying it. this girl was practically my sister. i remember sitting in her living room. we both had drawing pads and we were drawing our dream wedding gowns and we promised right then and there that we'd be eachother's maid of honors. well, here we are. she is my maid of honor. i haven't seen or talked to her in... a while. well, yesterday was my birthday and she was supposed to meet me at the casino to celebrate my birthday with me... but what do i get? no friend. no phone call. no text message. not even a god damned myspace comment. no "happy birthday, taryn". its one thing to completely ditch me, but its another to completely ignore me. but thats enough of that.. i'm beginning to realize why i shouldn't even post this.

anyways... like everyone said would happen, i lost all my friends from high school. everyone i used to laugh with at lunch and in classes and at parties are gone. they all have their own lives, and who wants to wait around on a girl that has a different path starting for her? i can't say i blame them, i have been terrible at trying to keep in touch. i just figured that we'd always be there for eachother.. but thats not the case. i guess life doesn't wait for you. people move on.

all of the sudden, i'm thrown into this huge dramatic melting pot that takes me back to high school. i didn't do anything wrong, but the girl always sides with the guy. there's nothing that will ever change. always take the guys word. never believe the girl. the girl is just a crazy devil that is out to get you, right? wrong. i thought about your feelings. i didnt think it was fitting to ruin your relationship that seemed to be going so well over a stupid "hey beautiful". but, i see it ruined more than that.. it ruined our friendship.


so i'm just sitting here... thinking about everything. about the one friend i have left. and i'm not going to lose her. nope. i'll prove to myself that i am capable of keeping a friendship. then i wont have to feel like every relationship i ever lost was my fault. plus, i love Brittany. :)

Birthday.

quick annoyance.

i hate when people post blogs that only have the lyrics of a song.